I'm back

I started this blog to connect with other s.a.h.m.'s. Then I didn't have time to keep it up. Now I'm going to use it to combat my demon of weight gain! I've got to get a grip! My name is Suzanne and I'm a food addict! Hopefully journaling will help me get back on the right path!

Blog Vacation!

I know I just started this blog, but it's really hard to find time to keep up 2 of them and my other little time-wasters. This is the time of year it's busy or I'm outside and on the computer less, so I'm just going to come back to this one when I have a chance. It may not be until the fall! So you can keep track of me at www.6nelsons.blogspot.com!

I'm not great at Baseball!

I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday. Even though I know it's not good, it's hard to see a number to back up your suspicions.strike One. Then I put on a pair of capris I wore last year and they were SO tight!..strike Two!! Family Home Evening treats...Three strikes and I'm out! Today I'm going to fast. Maybe if I shrink my stomach I'll get my portions under control.
It's another sunny day, so I'm optomistic for now. I talked to my sister on the phone for almost 3 hours yesterday! It was great! My niece also called and we talked in the morning. The sad part about that is that they're the only ones who call...so that means SILENCE today. The positive side is that it is a new day and I control my attitude....well, it usually controls me...but I want to change that. What I'm doing definatley isn't working, so I need to find out what will! I just need to get the "negative" out of me so there's room for the "positive!"

Post-Race Jubilation!!

We made it to Salt Lake despite the weather. I'm so happy it's all over with! My friend and I had a great time together. She's a little slower runner than I am, so I felt great after the race! My feet were tender, but nothing like after running a full marathon!!!! I was rejuvinated being around her and her family again. She's always brought out the best in me. I just want to be better after being around her. I ate really well too...so I had no reason to beat myself up! This morning I'm jammin' to "Mamma Mia" soundtrack and excited to get on with my day! It's sunny and warm finally. That helps my mood SO MUCH! I actually feel like doing things. And I feel so free not having to do any SCHEDULED runs....my workouts are because I want to now. I don't know why it matters...I give myself a goal so I keep progressing and then I feel "forced" to do it...when if I didn't have to do it, I'd be doing it anyway!! Anyway, today is a good day. I hope to keep it that way. If I stay busy I don't have to deal with all of the destructive thoughts I usually have. I am soooo thankful for the Sun!

Have you ever felt like you don't fit in?

I went to a "Soup Group" today. It was the second one they've held. I felf uncomfortable at the first one, but enjoyed the concept, so I thought I would go again. There were less people and I felt even more out of place! I am the only "stay at home" mom there who doesn't have any kids at home! I'm not sure why they don't feel like I know what they're going through. I do have 4 children! They youngest is 7....it hasn't been THAT long! And so when I feel uncomfortable...I eat! If you eat, you don't have to to talk. So I had 3 rolls and 2 bowls of soup. Now I feel like I've blown it for the rest of the day and am disappointed in myself. I have to run a Half Marathon in 2 days and I feel so FAT right now that mentally I don't even feel I could run a MILE!

I've decided to quit going to the soup group. It's not worth it. I'm lonely, but I don't want to go feel awkward around a bunch of women, eat too much, and come home feeling worthless. This is when I think it would be nice to live in a bigger place that actually had a variety of different situations and people. When you live in a small town...there's not much choice.

"The Talk"

Why not pick Easter Vacation to have "the talk" with your kids? Perfect time to get them alone and spend as much time as you want!! Well, that's what I thought. Friday afternoon I sat my 12 year old daughter down with diagrams and a plan. Every now and then she would just start crying. I asked her what was wrong and she'd say, "I don't know! I just don't like talking about this!" I felt like I tainted my poor innocent little flower! She's so pure right now, but I believe knowledge is power. My ignorance got my into more than one sticky situation that could've been prevented had I had some more information! My 14-year old had heard most of what we discussed, although he admitted he learned some new things. I told him Health class can teach him the mechanics, but only parents can teach him the spiritual side of it. Unlike his sister, there were no tears, and actually he just kept talking, and talking, and talking.

It was very uncomfortable for me. The only thing I remember hearing in Young Women's was "Be chaste." I didn't even know what that word meant! My dad told me that boys aren't like light switches--they can't be turned on and off quickly. Other than that, I'm not sure where I gleaned my info! When I "started" my youngwomanhood, we were in New Zealand on vacation. I turned 13 about 4 days before. I told my mom and she came back with a box of pads that were as long as my thigh bone! That was it! I guess she figured since I was the youngest of 7 girls my sisters would clue me in. Not so. My sister just older than me only started one month before me and was trying to figure out what was going on herself! I vowed I would not leave my children in the dark. As painful and uncomfortable as it is, I want them to receive their knowledge and the truth from me! I just didn't expect to make my poor daughter cry!!!

Let's talk about weight!

So I got on the scale yesterday and saw a number that I haven't seen in 13 years! I don't know what is going on ??? It can't possibly be because I eat treats every single day, or take seconds or thirds??? NO? I don't know what it can be? I'm exercising...but it's not enough! You know, when my husband was gone overnight on a business trip this week, I ate really good the whole day and didn't even eat a brownie for Family Home Evening treats. The next night when he was home, the brownies were gone so I made a s'more (which I really don't like) just so I could shove something nasty in my mouth! I love my husband and kids, but I'm linking my overeating with their arrivals home from school or work.

It's so frustrating. I know I'm lonely and depressed. This winter has been wayyy too long, but I don't know why I can't learn to deal with my emotions in a less destructive way! And what really scares me is that I want to just give up and throw the towel in. WHO CARES!!! WHY EXERCISE?? But then when it's time to get dressed and go in public, I care BIG time! And I enjoy exercising, so I can't give that up. But food remains my best friend/worst enemy! I need to have a healthy relationship with it again. Although I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship with it. I enjoy eating healthy and nourishing my body, but I also use desserts to punish myself and lower my self-worth. It's my own little way of making sure I don't get too happy!

So my extreme thoughts become, "Why can't I be anorexic? Why can't I be bulemic?" I can't make myself throw up! I've tried a few times! I've exercised 2 hours a day for long periods of time, but that makes me really hungry, and if I cut back I get really short and cranky! I could never take diet pills. They're too expensive, have caffeine, and in the back of my mind I know they don't work or else no one would be overweight! I admire people who try diets and lose weight! I can't even stick to a diet for more than 2 days!! I did Weight Watchers for awhile last year and that worked for about 2 months, then I just quit keeping track and quit caring because I started gaining again.

My hope is to learn to "feel" my emotions and not "eat" them. I hope to learn to love my body and be greatful that no matter how cruel I am to it...it's pretty healthy. I hope to learn not to spend 99% of my day thinking about food and my weight. Surely it can be possible!

Time to Run

I'm running the SLC Half-Marathon with my old running partner. She moved away almost a year ago and we thought it would be fun to do a run together. I ran the Ogden Marathon last year and swore I'd never run another marathon again. About 4 weeks ago I was feeling good and thought maybe I could do it again. NOT! Next weekend is the half and I cannot wait for it to come and be over with!

I only have to fun 5 miles today, but I'm dreading it. The weather is finally nice, but it's still just a little too chilly. Either I have to wait until it warms up or bundle up to run now. I really prefer to get my runs over first thing in the morning. By noon if it's not done, it usually isn't getting done! I put it off yesterday....waiting for warmer temps and ended up running out of time. So today I HAVE to run. Why do I hate it so? It's really not a big deal! I think I have not enjoyed these last couple of months running because of the 5 lb weight gain! That might not seem like a big deal, but it is when you're running long distance.

My biggest challenge are my boobs. They're too big right now for running! Last week I ran 13 miles and I have scabs on my boobs where my sports bra rubbed! I feel fat and horrible, so it's so hard to go run. Even though cardio wise I'm in great shape. My mental shape and the shape I see my body in makes me feel like I shouldn't even be able to run around the block. It's amazing how if I "feel" fat....I "act" fat. I feel like I should be sitting around and eating. Which is what I've done to support this mental image. Pretending when I do run, it must have been a dream, because I am too big to run right now.

I seriously have too much alone time on my hands to analyze and criticize myself. I want to be kinder to myself. That's one point of this blog. I want to think 'out loud' so to speak so I can see how ridiculous and selfish I am. Then I'll feel like I talked about it and can move on.

So as much as I'm dreading it. I will run today. I will hate my boobs as I stuff them into a too small sports bra. I will feel great when I'm done and feel like I can conquer the world. I will succumb to my bad habit of hiding in the basement the rest of the beautiful afternoon watching recorded talk shows. Or maybe I'll surprise myself and clean out the suburban!

Let me begin....

I am starting this blog for therapy! Maybe it will make you feel better about yourself! I need an way to get my feelings out without bothering those I love. I plan on being completely honest. I feel like I'm somewhat in the position I'm in because we all tend to put on a "perfect appearance" when we're in social settings. I compare myself to others ALL THE TIME! Then I go home and tell myself what a loser I am.

Feel free to comment. My hope is that actually I'm not the only person out there who feels like I do. I think everyone needs support. I need it. I've never known how to ask for it. I figure, maybe if I do it "anonymously" I can save face!

I've got to stop now though because 3 of my 4 children will be getting home from school (one is at practice) and I have to get the sheets off of the line so I can make their beds before we start piano practice, go in to pick up the child from practice, eat at Subway, and go to a free classical concert!