So I got on the scale yesterday and saw a number that I haven't seen in 13 years! I don't know what is going on ??? It can't possibly be because I eat treats every single day, or take seconds or thirds??? NO? I don't know what it can be? I'm exercising...but it's not enough! You know, when my husband was gone overnight on a business trip this week, I ate really good the whole day and didn't even eat a brownie for Family Home Evening treats. The next night when he was home, the brownies were gone so I made a s'more (which I really don't like) just so I could shove something nasty in my mouth! I love my husband and kids, but I'm linking my overeating with their arrivals home from school or work.
It's so frustrating. I know I'm lonely and depressed. This winter has been wayyy too long, but I don't know why I can't learn to deal with my emotions in a less destructive way! And what really scares me is that I want to just give up and throw the towel in. WHO CARES!!! WHY EXERCISE?? But then when it's time to get dressed and go in public, I care BIG time! And I enjoy exercising, so I can't give that up. But food remains my best friend/worst enemy! I need to have a healthy relationship with it again. Although I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship with it. I enjoy eating healthy and nourishing my body, but I also use desserts to punish myself and lower my self-worth. It's my own little way of making sure I don't get too happy!
So my extreme thoughts become, "Why can't I be anorexic? Why can't I be bulemic?" I can't make myself throw up! I've tried a few times! I've exercised 2 hours a day for long periods of time, but that makes me really hungry, and if I cut back I get really short and cranky! I could never take diet pills. They're too expensive, have caffeine, and in the back of my mind I know they don't work or else no one would be overweight! I admire people who try diets and lose weight! I can't even stick to a diet for more than 2 days!! I did Weight Watchers for awhile last year and that worked for about 2 months, then I just quit keeping track and quit caring because I started gaining again.
My hope is to learn to "feel" my emotions and not "eat" them. I hope to learn to love my body and be greatful that no matter how cruel I am to it...it's pretty healthy. I hope to learn not to spend 99% of my day thinking about food and my weight. Surely it can be possible!
Where did September and October go?
13 years ago
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Ever Since I moved to New Zealand I have been gaining weight. the first year here I got depressed and food became my clutch piece along with sitting for hours on the internet. I am over my depression now, but I still struggle with food. My philosophy has always been, "I live to eat, not eat to live" but at least I am over my lets have fish n chips and pies every week. At least you exercise, I just can't be bothered. At this rate, I am going to have to pay for two seats to go home.
ReplyDeleteI relate so much to your post, it was very heatfelt and honest! I love working out too, but it's getting there that's the headache and I get really hungry afterwards and then eat whatever I grab my hands on. I'm just trying to learn to take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your bio, I relate to it so much because I'm a youngish mom with a teenager. We move a lot, so when I go to church I don't really fit with the moms who have young kids and I then there's the older moms with teenagers. They are in a league of their own.
So, I just stay in touch w/ my old friends and try to stay busy. I'll be stopping by more often!
Yikes how do you live without cell service? lol Thanks for stopping by my little corner of the world. I wish I could say I don't identify with the food struggle....but it is my BIGGEST struggle. (no pun intended) My only difference is that I hate exercise...but I can starve with the best of them when I have to. Looking forward to reading your updates. (and be nice to yourself..your profile pic is gorgeous)
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